In Defense of Garbage

So this is not timely or anything, but last week I finally got around to reading The Da Vinci Code. Dan Brown is not really somebody that I ever paid any attention to before, but now that I have read the book I have started noticing something: people love to talk about how much they hate Dan Brown. Because Dan Brown is Not A Good Writer.

Look, Dan Brown uses 'literally' when he means 'figuratively.' Look, on this page Dan Brown used the phrase 'seemed miles away' to describe a place that was actually hundreds of miles away. Look, Dan Brown thinks the plural of 'millennium' is 'millennium.' Look, there is product placement in this book and he also says things about history that are not true in real history! I noticed these things too, you guys! I was outraged! And then I decided to read just one more chapter because, anyway, each one is only three pages long and is likely to contain MYSTERY AND ADVENTURE.

My outrage became just an additional aspect of the book's entertainment value, and even in complaining about it later I've written 'Dan Brown' six times (err-- seven now) and each one of those times makes it just a tiny bit likelier than somebody is going to stop someday and pick up one of his books in a store and say 'Hmm... Dan Brown. I've heard of him. Maybe I should see what all the fuss is about.' Because that's what happened to me. Because that's the game that Dan Brown is playing. And Dan Brown is better at it than you. Ten.

Dan Brown is Not A Good Writer. Also, McDonald's will make you fat. Also, Las Vegas puts up glitzy facades to hide shoddy construction and broken dreams. Also, Britney Spears probably can't read music. What they all have in common is that they don't care, and they are targeting customers who also don't care, who are called Most People. They are cynical masters, not so much of writing, cooking, city planning or music but of stripping these crafts down to their barest essentials of stimulus and response, turning up the volume and cashing in.

The reaction of a lot of intelligent, caring people, who are often creative themselves and who may be deeply concerned about the future of human endeavors, is rage. And I sympathize with this. It's frustrating to see such self-evident garbage enjoy wild success when so many carefully-produced works go unappreciated. It may feel like society is going straight down the drain. Despair if you want. All I can say is that things are probably not getting any worse than they have been. Silly, meaningless entertainment has most likely been dominant for most people throughout most of history. Good art is probably not going away any time soon, even if it's only ever a minority of people who are interested. Of course, maybe you know this, and are not concerned with anything more than distancing yourself from the tastes of ordinary people, in which case, quit it.

Here's the thing. If you're not dead-set on despairing over this stuff, you might consider embracing it. Go to McDonald's sometime. Not often, or you might die, but you can go and get some french fries. They will taste like nothing but salt and grease and you can tell me that you don't love them but frankly I won't believe you because your ancestors starved to death on the savannah to make sure that salt and grease would be forever delicious. Go to a club, have a few drinks and listen to Britney. You can probably avoid shaking your butt if you try real hard, but why try? Let the woman do what she does. If you don't like Dan Brown's stupid novels, that's fine. Some of us think they're fun, even if they're useless tripe. Take a deep breath; they're certainly not worth getting upset about when there's mystery and adventure to be had.

***

Ok, why am I defending Dan Brown (thirteen) in a blog that so far has been about a trip to Africa? I am doing this because I am going to die.

Here's what happened:

I was sitting in my room talking to Pearl's sister when she noticed my copy of The Da Vinci Code on the bed.

'What's that book about?' she asked.

Oh, you sweet devoutly religious girl. 'It's a murder mystery,' I said.

'I wish you would finish it. I would like to read it,' she said. Okay, I thought, she wants to borrow a book. Let's find her one that's a little less blasphemous. I saw Life of Pi beside the chair, which was perfect. Good entertaining story, pro-religious message. I handed it to her and she glanced at the cover, seeming somehow completely unenticed by the idea of a little boy in a lifeboat with a tiger.

'Life of Pee.' she said, before picking up The Da Vinci Code again. 'You know, I think this first one looks better.'

Sigh. 'Well, I actually finished it a few days ago. I was reading it for the second time,' I said. (Shut up. I am not ashamed.) 'Would you like to borrow it?'

'Thank you.' She put the book in her purse.

You know, the fact that I don't go to church is shocking enough for most people here. Now I've given someone a book that discusses murder, goddess worship, bloody self-flagellation, the crimes of the Church, and Satanic rituals. And that's just in the first thirty pages. It's not completely impossible that I will end up being burned at the stake for this. And I feel like if I'm going to die for something, it ought to at least be something I have a stated opinion about.

Dan Brown, you may have cost me dearly. And you're not even a good writer.